She Felt a Lump…

On March 16, 2022, I went to see the gynecologist and thought to have her look at my breast as the nipple was beginning to invert. She felt it and said that she felt something and wanted me to get a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.

After that appointment, I could feel this huge hardness in my right breast. Why had I never felt that before?  How long had that been there? It was large, somewhat like a small lime…not pea-size like I had always been told to look for.  My nipple had started to invert a couple of months ago. But I wasn’t even thinking about going to the doctor about it. Hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was going about something completely different, which had disappeared by the time the appointment came along.  My first thought was “Oh…that’s why I felt that strange thing.  It was to get me in here to look at my breast.”

For years I had had a mosquito-bite-like bump on the outside of my areola. I’d had many breast exams and it was never an issue. But last year, it got bigger. In a t-shirt, it almost looked like I had two nipples. I made a mental note to ask my nurse practitioner about it.  That appointment came and went and I forgot to ask her. But she did examine my breasts. I felt like that was good compensation for my forgetting to tell her and that if it was something bad, she would have said something. So I went on with my daily life and didn’t think much of it. After the new year, I noticed that my nipple was beginning to invert.  Strange.  And the bump outside my areola was nearly gone. Strange.  But it took something completely different to get me in to see the doctor.

After the doctor told me she was concerned about my breast, I could feel the lump.  And it ached.  I thought, strange how powerful the mind is…  I made my mammogram appointment for 6 days later.

Those days in between were slow and my mind was fraught with scenarios of what I would do “if”… making imaginary plans in case of the worst scenario. (As a double Capricorn, I am a realist and often prepare for the worst.  I love getting surprised when the universe delivers the opposite, which happens often.)  I decided what my treatment would be…change in lifestyle and food, perhaps a holistic cancer center in Mexico for a while, surgery if absolutely necessary and no chemo…period.

I remembered a few months prior when I was watching a movie about a woman with cancer.  I heard a big click in the room – this is one of the ways my angels talk with me when they want to emphasize a sentence I’ve heard or read, kind of like they are saying “Pay attention”). I actually answered this click out loud and said “WTF…I don’t have cancer. Pfffff” and brushed it off.  This memory came flooding back to me in the days prior to my mammogram.

As I was driving up the canyon to the mammogram appointment (March 22), I realized there was a part of me that wanted to be sick. I had to dissect that part of me, go into the depths of my being to pull out this information.  I found it.  I am tired.  I am tired of doing all the time.  I am tired of working, of managing my business, of the drudgery of daily life.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my work – sound-healing and breathwork.  I love helping others and seeing them transform.  But somewhere since Covid, I have become tired. I have lost my personal practice of meditation and a consistent yoga.  I have lost my ‘joi de vive’. I want to slow down, pull back and do nothing. Well, I want to paint. I want to be creative.  I also do want to work, but not as much…I want more space in between. If I got sick, I would be able to stop everything for a short while.  I would have permission from the world.  From God. From myself.

The mammogram went smoothly.  The radiologist read the results and wanted me to do the ultrasound. The ultrasound was a bit painful, but also went smoothly. I was surprised that it was hurting me, but she was pressing down so hard and my breasts were tender. I looked at the screen, I saw so many things that she was marking, and measuring…circles, ovals, dark spots. I realized that I didn’t have a clue as to what I was seeing and it would be better for me to look away, so I did.  The radiologist read the results in a back room as I waited. And finally…footsteps coming from down the hallway…drumroll please…”From what we are seeing, and your other symptoms, we would like you to get a biopsy in that area you are concerned about.” I must have looked at her blankly because she said “Your next step is to get a biopsy.” She told me some details about the procedure and told me that a coordinator would be calling me to schedule.

On the way home, I was asking God why.  “Is this really the path I need to go on…? Why?” And I heard a clear answer “So you can show them”. My first thought was “ok…show them what?  And then… show them that there is another way…

I was also overcome on the drive home about the timing of Daniel, my wonderful husband, coming into my life. Holy cow! He came to me just before the world went into lockdown.  We have both been amazed at the timing of our union.  I truly don’t know if I could have done it without him, I imagine that I would have been thrown into a deep depression had I not had Daniel to lean on. As it was, I re-evaluated my entire life and made huge changes that took deep processing of my belief systems, self-worth and life-style.  Though, as I’m seeing now, more changes needed to come.  I needed to slow my body down much more than I had already put into motion.

When I got home that evening, I lay with my head in my amazing husbands’ lap and we discussed everything. Changes in the house that needed to happen – lots of clearing out!!!  Changes in my (our) diet and exercise, my sadhana (spiritual practice), my work schedule, my creativity and my self-care (massages, red light therapy & other state of the art treatments, etc) Lucky for me, my husband works with cancer patients. He has great insights as to the emotional work that needs to be done. He helped me lay out a plan to make changes no matter how the biopsy turns out.  It’s time to really fine-tune my body and my life. He’s on board with me, thankfully.